What the f*ck just happened?
I recently read the perfect description of grief. Grief is constantly thinking about someone being gone every second of the day, and then trying to catch your breath when you remember they're gone after the one second you forgot about it. "What the actual f*ck?" has become a common phrase of my daily vocabulary. I ask this question every morning when I wake up and remember what happened, every time I see a photo of my sister, whenever I start to get too used to the idea of her being gone and give myself a reality check, getting a text from the family group chat and not seeing my sister's picture at the top of the chat, and the list goes on. But seriously, what the actual fuck? (I had to spell it out at least once, sorry).
I'm Taylor. I'm a photographer based in Indianapolis who has always dreamt of creating a blog someday. The original intent was to post about my clients, photography, and life in general. While I'm sure I'll have plenty of posts like that, my number one goal of a blog has always been authenticity and transparency. This means that you're also going to get a lot of blog posts about grief. It's a salient part of my identity and will be for the rest of my life. I can't ignore it and I love to talk about it, so here we are: a blog (what a revolutionary idea).
"Grief is constantly thinking about someone being gone every second of the day, and then trying to catch your breath when you remember they're gone after the one second you forgot about it."
Unexpected, young loss is a b*tch
I've been to my fair share of funerals, some of those include beloved grandparents. I absolutely adored the relationships I was able to form with Mee-maw and Pee-paw growing up. I often think of them and all the amazing memories from the days I spent at their house on Timberlake Avenue. I've sadly attended more than one funeral of a high school classmate, pondering on the memories we made together at recess at Saint Henry Catholic School. I've sent my fair share of condolences to friends who have lost parents, and so on.
However, there is no loss like the unexpected, young loss of an immediate family member. Everyone expects to attend their grandparents' funeral someday, as sad as that sounds. Everyone expects to attend the funeral of their parents (hopefully after a long, beautiful life). However, I never in a million years expected to attend my younger sister's funeral at the age of 30. That's the kind of loss that's not supposed to happen. It's the kind of loss that absolutely no one or nothing can prepare you for. And a grieving process that is nearly indescribable, but I'm going to try my best to share parts of it with you.
"There is no loss like the unexpected, young loss
of an immediate family member."
Word vomit
One of the greatest films in cinematic history describes the inability to keep your words to yourself as "word vomit." And yes, I'm talking about Mean Girls (a true masterpiece). Hopefully, this blog doesn't stink as bad as Cady Heron's vomit (ew).
Since we lost my sister, I've had my fair share of word vomit moments on social media. There are days where I can't help but share how I'm feeling with my friends on social media. I think part of it is that I want my social media to be an accurate reflection of who I am, and this is undoubtably a major part of who I am now.
The weeks after you lose a loved one, you're showered with so much love. My family could have fed a small village with the amount of food we received. I came back to my home in Indianapolis to find so many cards in the mail from people sending their condolences. And then the weeks continued to pass, and understandably so my sister wasn't a part of everyone's day to day conversations. I went back to work, picked up my daily routines, and continued on. But no one really seems to talk about the months after, when the world continues to operate as normal, yet your entire world is different. The lenses in which you view the world are still shattered. I've listened to countless grief podcasts that have helped me realize the things I'm still experiencing are normal, and maybe this blog will be helpful to even just one person in the future who is dealing with indescribable loss.
I am hoping that this blog gives me a place for my word vomit. And potentially a place for anyone else experiencing grief to feel seen and heard and loved. You may still get the occasional throwback picture of me and my sister (as the person who created her memorial slideshow, just know I have pictures stocked up on my phone for daaaaaaays). But for the most part, the long reflections will probably live here. Unless I'm too lazy to write the blog post and just post it straight to the Insta, but we'll see.